18 July 2017

I published my blog on 18 July 2017. The day the midwife initially gave me as a due date. Before a scan pushed it further back. I knew it would be pushed back, but I wasn't expecting to be told our wedding anniversary as the due date!

When I first found out I was pregnant at the end of November, I had been in my new job not even a month. I was immediately anxious about how they would take it when I told them (the other people I worked with perhaps more so than my employers, as I knew there were laws in place protecting me from that side.) I made my first doctor's appointment for early morning, so I wouldn't have to take time out of work to explain anything. I made my first midwife appointment for when I had already planned annual leave, just before Christmas.

I started my job on 7 November 2016; on 21 November 2016 I made a small mistake that I was able to fix with a tiny work-round (I destroyed papers too early, but scanned them, simples!); on 22 November 2016, a person who found out about that mistake tried to emphasise that I had done things wrong by asking for said papers that I had destroyed, I was told that it was "not the way it's done here"; on 23 November 2016 I was spoken to by the same person as I arrived in for the day, but backed up by someone else (who I am forever grateful to), who told her in no uncertain terms that what she was asking was actually not the way it was done, and I was following procedures; also on 23 November 2016 I was asked by a manager to justify time off I had requested (that had been arranged before I started the job!) because someone else had also requested it; on 24 November 2016, I had a meeting with that same manager, to raise a complaint about bullying, and inform her that the job was not what I expected. During the course of the conversation she suggested to me that I better not be sitting in another co-worker's seat. (Said co-worker was off due to hyperemesis, and had been since week 5 or 6 of her pregnancy I think. She basically told me that I should not be getting pregnant.) It was 27 November 2016 when I peed on the stick and confirmed I was pregnant.

I'm not sure at what stage I felt trapped in the job, but I knew from very early on that it wasn't for me. I remember a conversation with my mother, telling her about my problems with work, she suggested I look out for other jobs. This however, was after I knew I was pregnant, but before she did! I felt that the way they ran things versus the way things could have been grown organically, changing as needs dictated, rather than remaining with the way things had always been done until reviews took place was very stagnant. It didn't help that someone who I was supposed to support wanted to dictate the way I did everything, rather than being happy that I was trying to make things more efficient for myself. I reported her for bullying, and it was "dealt with" but I'm not really sure how, and I never heard an apology.

In any case, I felt like I was stuck there until I went on maternity leave. I felt like it couldn't come quick enough. I felt like there were more people in the team who were out for themselves, than for actually working together. Laying down and rolling over to how things were always done, rather than challenging things. Yet always complaining complaining complaining about everything.

So when I first miscarried, I felt as though the end was not in sight. I would try again; and have to stay working there for longer. I could probably refer to my job as salt in the wound of my miscarriage.

Those complainers? I got sucked in, I complained, to them, about the job, about the way things were done, about the way things were written about the way things were done!! Turns out, I then had a complaint made about me, about the way I was complaining about the way things were written about the way things were done (and breathe) I know I had been complaining, I thought about the same things they were, obviously not. I was told by my line manager that the language I used had been inappropriate, and I nodded at "crap", but when she said it had been reported that I had used a word that I have never used in my life in that way, well, I think my reaction was enough for her to know it hadn't been said. A truncated version of that word is often followed by the word resort, as in "Spa-Resort". So yes, not exactly appropriate, to say the least! It was after learning that that I re-doubled my efforts to leave, I was already stressed enough about what I was facing in my personal life, I was not planning on sticking around longer than I had to and face the stress at work too. I had stopped being able to sleep a while prior to that, which I attribute to the job. It was quite a toxic environment. In discussions with my husband afterwards, he asked if I was sure that my line manager had not over-emphasised the language to get me in trouble and put me in my place. Given she was off sick for much of my employment, I don't really know her well enough to say, but that's also a rather grim possibility.

I think we all have to look at the silver linings. The day after I published my blog I had a job interview. I think if I'm going to move jobs, the best time to do so is well before IVF starts, so I can get to know everyone, actually enjoy going to work, put the effort in, and not just feel like I'm using them for maternity leave!

I handed in my notice on 21 July 2017, and I was terrified. Mostly that it was a frying-pan/fire scenario, but I reasoned that it couldn't really get much worse, and besides, I had got a good vibe at the interview. I did not have the best working experience where I was, partially through my own restraint in getting to know people because I was concerned about the pregnancy affecting that, but mostly because of other people's reactions to me and to change. I think part of my desire to leave was also because it was a constant reminder, while there, of what a traumatic personal experience I'd been through, with half the (small) "team" off on maternity leave, and the fact that not everyone (in the building, out-with the "team") even knew I had been pregnant. That is, apart from the people who the manager who told me not to get pregnant told, which I'm pretty sure is a breach of the data protection act. Some of them I had never met. I couldn't bring myself to raise a complaint about that one though.

I find my emotions flip flop. At times I am thankful for the way things worked out, that the miscarriage led to a better job, that the job led to looking at that specific time to lead to the better, very different job, that the miscarriage gave us some answers, and a way forward. Other times I wish I didn't know, I am annoyed that I wasted so much time in that job, I am annoyed that I held back for the other opportunities that could present themselves through the awful job. In the end though, I can only look forward.

I had my last day on 15 August 2017; my youngest niece's 1st birthday. I had to take some enforced annual leave for my last three days, because it was written into my contract that any holiday time that could be used, should be, and if it was not, I would not be paid-in-lieu. While a bit of free cash would not have been un-appreciated, for my mental health, those three days were wonderful. I left in the middle of the afternoon (the joys of flexitime) and had a strange evening, my body felt so light and unusual. I felt exhausted, tried to nap, and realised I was not tired. I had not realised quite how much stress I was under until I knew I never had to return. I'm glad that I am not currently on maternity leave from that job, thinking about the best time to apply for other jobs, because I would not have wanted to return, and I would not want worrying about work to have distracted me from motherhood. I hope that this time around, I am in a more supportive environment, although from my experiences, I don't think that will be too difficult.