1 January 2018

Everything below I wrote on 2 January 2018, but never got round to actually putting up here.

That's the last milestone since my miscarriage that I had looked forward to... 'before'. The last event that last year I thought about "this time next year" and envisaged a very different time. I think this celebration is even more subdued than what I imagined, and definitely more subdued than last year, when my husband was at work and I was at home, with one alcoholic and one non-alcoholic mulled wine on the stove.

Two or three weeks ago I hit rock bottom. [Shortly after that IVF/PGD/Geneticist appointment.] I didn't want to be here, but thankfully I didn't want to not be here that much that I would have acted on it either. I pictured a Christmas in tears, a New Years in tears, and a feeling of hopelessness. While I am not "looking forward" to 2018 per se, because of the challenges and decisions that I face, I no longer have that feeling. It's not quite a hopeful feeling, but I'd like to think I might make it there in the next few months. I suppose I'm currently hoping for hope.

I don't tend to make resolutions, I haven't for years. I don't think the new year is a good time to try any big changes in my life. I like to think that a change can be made at any time through the year.

Every month in 2017 felt like the previous month. I really did lose a month. The build up to Christmas did not feel like Christmas and crept up on me in a massive way. I suppose in part because we were doing a kitchen refurb (great idea - keep the mind off things! Ha!) and couldn't put the tree up till Christmas Eve. We did carry on with a family tradition with my best friend's family round, and Christmas appeared out of nowhere!

Then Christmas Day, the husband was working, so I got up, had a lovely bath, then sat on my bum watching films. I went back to work on 27 December, and it somehow felt like 2018 already. I got my month back over the course of two bank holidays. I really needed that time.

I called my GP surgery on 13 December to make an appointment because I needed some help, I told my boss [at the time] that I had made an appointment with my GP to discuss my mental health. He wasn't surprised, and asked if there was anything they could do. I think it might have been a switch, I admitted I needed help to a few people, and that was enough, the tears on the drive home from work stopped flowing. By the time I went to see my GP on 22 December, we agreed that asI had a rare 4 days off in a row it might be enough, and I would get a phone call on the day I went back to work, to see if I wanted or needed signed off. I mostly think that I put off even going to the GP because I didn't want work to know any details, given I started in August, and I don't know if I would have taken the time had I been in my old job, although I probably would have broken a lot sooner if I had stayed. I'm glad I told my GP, but I am very glad I didn't need to take things further than that.

It's nice to read that now, over a year later, to see how far 2018 took me. The changes I have seen in my life. I was right when I thought a few more months would give me renewed hope, however the way I was treated at work after that smashed that hope down a little, but it was easier to pick it back up again, because I was able to evaluate what was important, and that was not.