IVF Appointment.
Our long-awaited IVF appointment.
Our first Glasgow appointment had been 6 December 2017, we were told it could be "up to a year" as they needed to create the genetic probe once we got to the top of the list. We got the appointment letter through over a year later, and although it was only a few days into February, mentally that was another month, and it just still seemed so far away.
By the time we made it there, on 4 February 2019 I had known that I was pregnant for 19 days. I had had two ultrasound scans. I was scared that this was another pregnancy that was not going to work out. I went along to get information, to press pause, and to move forward.
I didn't tell the PGD nurse straight away that I was pregnant, she started asking me questions, and as part of IVF they have to know when your last period was, because it can help figure out the timing of the next one, after which they can start treatment. So at the point that she asked about that, my response was "well... about that!" So that changed the course of our appointment. She didn't smile and congratulate us, which was refreshing at that stage, she acknowledged the risks, and said that we would go through the information a little differently.
She explained that the appointment would usually take fresh blood samples to analyse my AMH levels again (hormones that show if you have plenty of eggs or not), and go through the whole process with what happens next. She still did that with us, but potentially focused more on the genetics side of it, to help us to understand the risks a little better. We met with two different geneticists, and the person who explained it best was the PGD nurse. Nurses are definitely un-sung heroes. She explained that with our translocation, we have a 30-50% chance of successful pregnancy resulting in live birth, a 50-70% chance of unbalanced pregnancy resulting in miscarriage, and within that, less than a 1% chance of live birth with severe defects and disabilities.
She showed us the information that came from the team who created the genetic probe, and explained that they use fluorescent dyes to isolate the imbalances that they are looking for. It was really quite interesting, the science behind it all, and I'm sure I'd be just as fascinated if it wasn't happening to me, but definitely a lot more emotionally detached too! I'm not sure if that would help or hinder my understanding though. She had a table of the 16 "options" as it were, and one of the columns had the word "viable" at the top. She explained that those options marked yes were able to be identified in the probe, but they had not been able to create a probe for those marked no. I looked down the list and saw that most of the no options were those with significant amounts of missing material, and not any of the main 4 that I believe are more common, so I was not too concerned by this. I'm not sure if she would have shown us it in that much detail had I been more emotional and reliant on IVF, if I had not been pregnant at the time.
She explained the timings of IVF if we go through it in Glasgow. It all actually seemed very fast. Next period, get in touch, then likely the following, depending on the week that was in it, and if there was a slot available that week, I would start all the hormone injections. Two weeks later I would go in for scans of my ovaries, they would look at how many follicles and recommend (or not) the trigger shot, that triggers the follicles to release the fertile eggs. Then I'd go back and get those eggs extracted. All very medical and clinical and not at all embarrassing. My husband, at the same time, would have to go into a disabled toilet with a cup, and think happy thoughts. Dignified.
Once fertilised, the embryos are left for 5 days to mature, they are biopsied, and then about a week after they are extracted, hopefully one is viable and can be put back in. Then there's the two week wait. Grim.
So she asked if we had any questions, and we spoke about how disappointing the experience had been when we had been for our initial appointment in December 2017. I explained that I had asked about embryo storage of extra viable embryos, knowing that they had already given us statistics, to be told that I should prepare for it not working, and when I asked them to give me the cost anyway, if we were looking at it in a more optimistic way, I was told, essentially, that I shouldn't be optimistic. So with the nurse suitably horrified at that anecdote, I then added that we left that appointment and I wanted nothing to do with IVF in Glasgow, I didn't see the point of us even going there, and wanted to run and jump out of a window. So she said that she would pass that on. I think at the time, of the first appointment that is, I was going with such a logical mind, that was coloured by my emotions, but I knew the chances, to be told to completely ignore the chances as it was unlikely to work, was such a horrific blow and really impacted me in such a negative way for a long time. I was glad that we were able to share that while hopeful that our current pregnancy would work.
The nurse gave us as much time as we wanted, but the appointment didn't take as long as it should have done, had I been starting the process for real. We left and she told us that our case would remain open until we have a healthy, live birth. She asked us to keep her informed of the progression of our pregnancy, and wished us luck with it. I left feeling a lot more positive about our chances with IVF, even though I still didn't really want to do it.
Then we headed to Costco, where one of the samples that day was an amazing lasagne, and I knew I wouldn't get away with going back for seconds. Another sample was gin and tonic, but the tonic on it's own was lovely.
Monday, 1 April 2019
16 January 2019
In a post written on 19 January 2019 I wrote about my past year, my previous losses. I wrote about a friend telling me about her pregnancy, that conversation took place on 12 January 2019. At that time, I thought that that month, I wasn't pregnant, that it hadn't worked. Two days later, I was in a conditioning class, working the core muscles in my back, by lying face down and tensing, so I was balanced on my stomach. I had gained a wee pot belly over Christmas, but I had thought it was gone, and that day I was just thinking that it was supposed to be going, not growing!! I started to get other pregnancy symptoms over the next couple of days, and on the Wednesday, confirmed it!
16 January 2019, finding out about pregnancy number six: Two years, minus one day, since I had my very first 12 week scan. The scan that came back as low risk for Downs Syndrome, the scan that I waited for before announcing I was pregnant that first time.
23 January 2019, I woke up and got into the shower. I was halfway through washing my hair when I started to feel a little pain in my abdomen, pain that got very worse very very quickly, and left me doubled over with it. I called the husband, a couple of times, before I was able to say it loud enough for him to hear me. He helped me out, helped me dress, helped me dry my hair (very fecking badly I might add!!!) and when I called the early pregnancy unit they asked me to come in as quickly as possible. The temperature dropped from -5 to -7 in the half hour drive south to Perth. I had an abdominal scan which I thought it was too early to have, I was fully expecting (but not necessarily prepared for) one of those dildo scans that you see in American shows. Gross. However, unnecessary. They confirmed an intra-uterine pregnancy, identified the gestational sac, and said they were 99% sure they saw a yolk sac. (Human embryos feed off yolks, who knew??) Anyway, it wasn't ectopic. They did see a bleed off the gestational sac, which was explained as implantation bleeding. I had blood tests to test for Human Chorionic Gonadotropin (hCG) and had to wait until lunchtime for the results of that. It was explained that I might be asked to go in on Friday again to have more blood taken. Lunchtime rolled around, I called, and was told the results were in, but they needed to speak to my consultant, and to expect a call back. I called back a couple of hours later, to be told that my hCG levels were over 8000, and I wouldn't need to go in on Friday, but was asked to return the following Wednesday for another scan. Some googling told me that my levels worked for either 5 or 6 weeks pregnant, and they should double every two days. So that wasn't going to be helpful to date my pregnancy, which would be harder straight after a miscarriage. I thought I was 5 weeks and 4 days at that stage, although what they saw in the scan wouldn't have put it quite as far as that, which did concern me. Then I had the added stress of being asked back for another scan.
30 January 2019, I missed a full day of classes at uni, a couple of lectures, and a 4 hour tutorial, because my scan was in the middle of the day, and I knew I couldn't drive the two hours up there for the end of that tutorial.
I didn't sleep well the night before.
We arrived in plenty of time, waited for a bit, and met the same friendly nurse that had scanned me the week before. She had told me her name the week before, and that we had met before, obviously with my first, ill-fated pregnancy. I've forgotten her name!
She put the gel on my stomach, put the wand on, and announced quite happily that she had found the gestational sac. My first response was "I can't see anything in it!" She told me that she hadn't checked all sides, and then said that she could see baby, with a heartbeat. She pointed it out, and as I took a breath in to say "Oh, I can see it!" it disappeared, because breathing makes the belly move too much... oops!
So apparently at that scan I was somewhere between 5 and 6 weeks, so a little earlier than I thought, but baby had grown a lot in a week. She explained that because it's a high risk pregnancy I would get weekly scans, for now. However because of my timetable, I'll have them Fridays, the next one was scheduled for 8 February 2019. Baby measured 2.2mm, and had a heartbeat, that's crazy that they can see that level of detail in something that tiny!
Excited and nervous. Scared and hopeful. Looking forward to getting through this danger period. I can have chorionic villus sampling, which does carry a small risk of miscarriage, at 10 weeks at the earliest. Which is why it's so important that they figure out how far along I am. Pregnancy is dated from your last period, until you have a 12 week scan, when they change it based on baby's measurements. This is based on most women ovulating about 2 weeks into their cycle. It can change after a miscarriage, be later, or earlier. So even though my last miscarriage was very early, it could still have impacted on that, and why I was showing as earlier than I had expected. Chorionic Villus Sampling takes a sample of the villi - part of the placenta, because the baby transfers some of it's blood to the placenta, and they would be able to identify an unbalanced baby. My first miscarriage was at 14+4 weeks, the results of CVS take about 2 weeks I think. I might take this baby further, I don't know. We need to decide what we want to do with testing.
I'm just going to go to my weekly scans and hope to see typical growth, and hope for the best. I have lots of hopes and dreams and wishes. Lets hope they continue with this pregnancy.
16 January 2019, finding out about pregnancy number six: Two years, minus one day, since I had my very first 12 week scan. The scan that came back as low risk for Downs Syndrome, the scan that I waited for before announcing I was pregnant that first time.
23 January 2019, I woke up and got into the shower. I was halfway through washing my hair when I started to feel a little pain in my abdomen, pain that got very worse very very quickly, and left me doubled over with it. I called the husband, a couple of times, before I was able to say it loud enough for him to hear me. He helped me out, helped me dress, helped me dry my hair (very fecking badly I might add!!!) and when I called the early pregnancy unit they asked me to come in as quickly as possible. The temperature dropped from -5 to -7 in the half hour drive south to Perth. I had an abdominal scan which I thought it was too early to have, I was fully expecting (but not necessarily prepared for) one of those dildo scans that you see in American shows. Gross. However, unnecessary. They confirmed an intra-uterine pregnancy, identified the gestational sac, and said they were 99% sure they saw a yolk sac. (Human embryos feed off yolks, who knew??) Anyway, it wasn't ectopic. They did see a bleed off the gestational sac, which was explained as implantation bleeding. I had blood tests to test for Human Chorionic Gonadotropin (hCG) and had to wait until lunchtime for the results of that. It was explained that I might be asked to go in on Friday again to have more blood taken. Lunchtime rolled around, I called, and was told the results were in, but they needed to speak to my consultant, and to expect a call back. I called back a couple of hours later, to be told that my hCG levels were over 8000, and I wouldn't need to go in on Friday, but was asked to return the following Wednesday for another scan. Some googling told me that my levels worked for either 5 or 6 weeks pregnant, and they should double every two days. So that wasn't going to be helpful to date my pregnancy, which would be harder straight after a miscarriage. I thought I was 5 weeks and 4 days at that stage, although what they saw in the scan wouldn't have put it quite as far as that, which did concern me. Then I had the added stress of being asked back for another scan.
30 January 2019, I missed a full day of classes at uni, a couple of lectures, and a 4 hour tutorial, because my scan was in the middle of the day, and I knew I couldn't drive the two hours up there for the end of that tutorial.
I didn't sleep well the night before.
We arrived in plenty of time, waited for a bit, and met the same friendly nurse that had scanned me the week before. She had told me her name the week before, and that we had met before, obviously with my first, ill-fated pregnancy. I've forgotten her name!
She put the gel on my stomach, put the wand on, and announced quite happily that she had found the gestational sac. My first response was "I can't see anything in it!" She told me that she hadn't checked all sides, and then said that she could see baby, with a heartbeat. She pointed it out, and as I took a breath in to say "Oh, I can see it!" it disappeared, because breathing makes the belly move too much... oops!
So apparently at that scan I was somewhere between 5 and 6 weeks, so a little earlier than I thought, but baby had grown a lot in a week. She explained that because it's a high risk pregnancy I would get weekly scans, for now. However because of my timetable, I'll have them Fridays, the next one was scheduled for 8 February 2019. Baby measured 2.2mm, and had a heartbeat, that's crazy that they can see that level of detail in something that tiny!
Excited and nervous. Scared and hopeful. Looking forward to getting through this danger period. I can have chorionic villus sampling, which does carry a small risk of miscarriage, at 10 weeks at the earliest. Which is why it's so important that they figure out how far along I am. Pregnancy is dated from your last period, until you have a 12 week scan, when they change it based on baby's measurements. This is based on most women ovulating about 2 weeks into their cycle. It can change after a miscarriage, be later, or earlier. So even though my last miscarriage was very early, it could still have impacted on that, and why I was showing as earlier than I had expected. Chorionic Villus Sampling takes a sample of the villi - part of the placenta, because the baby transfers some of it's blood to the placenta, and they would be able to identify an unbalanced baby. My first miscarriage was at 14+4 weeks, the results of CVS take about 2 weeks I think. I might take this baby further, I don't know. We need to decide what we want to do with testing.
I'm just going to go to my weekly scans and hope to see typical growth, and hope for the best. I have lots of hopes and dreams and wishes. Lets hope they continue with this pregnancy.
Sunday, 20 January 2019
1 January 2018
Everything below I wrote on 2 January 2018, but never got round to actually putting up here.
That's the last milestone since my miscarriage that I had looked forward to... 'before'. The last event that last year I thought about "this time next year" and envisaged a very different time. I think this celebration is even more subdued than what I imagined, and definitely more subdued than last year, when my husband was at work and I was at home, with one alcoholic and one non-alcoholic mulled wine on the stove.
Two or three weeks ago I hit rock bottom. [Shortly after that IVF/PGD/Geneticist appointment.] I didn't want to be here, but thankfully I didn't want to not be here that much that I would have acted on it either. I pictured a Christmas in tears, a New Years in tears, and a feeling of hopelessness. While I am not "looking forward" to 2018 per se, because of the challenges and decisions that I face, I no longer have that feeling. It's not quite a hopeful feeling, but I'd like to think I might make it there in the next few months. I suppose I'm currently hoping for hope.
I don't tend to make resolutions, I haven't for years. I don't think the new year is a good time to try any big changes in my life. I like to think that a change can be made at any time through the year.
Every month in 2017 felt like the previous month. I really did lose a month. The build up to Christmas did not feel like Christmas and crept up on me in a massive way. I suppose in part because we were doing a kitchen refurb (great idea - keep the mind off things! Ha!) and couldn't put the tree up till Christmas Eve. We did carry on with a family tradition with my best friend's family round, and Christmas appeared out of nowhere!
Then Christmas Day, the husband was working, so I got up, had a lovely bath, then sat on my bum watching films. I went back to work on 27 December, and it somehow felt like 2018 already. I got my month back over the course of two bank holidays. I really needed that time.
I called my GP surgery on 13 December to make an appointment because I needed some help, I told my boss [at the time] that I had made an appointment with my GP to discuss my mental health. He wasn't surprised, and asked if there was anything they could do. I think it might have been a switch, I admitted I needed help to a few people, and that was enough, the tears on the drive home from work stopped flowing. By the time I went to see my GP on 22 December, we agreed that asI had a rare 4 days off in a row it might be enough, and I would get a phone call on the day I went back to work, to see if I wanted or needed signed off. I mostly think that I put off even going to the GP because I didn't want work to know any details, given I started in August, and I don't know if I would have taken the time had I been in my old job, although I probably would have broken a lot sooner if I had stayed. I'm glad I told my GP, but I am very glad I didn't need to take things further than that.
It's nice to read that now, over a year later, to see how far 2018 took me. The changes I have seen in my life. I was right when I thought a few more months would give me renewed hope, however the way I was treated at work after that smashed that hope down a little, but it was easier to pick it back up again, because I was able to evaluate what was important, and that was not.
That's the last milestone since my miscarriage that I had looked forward to... 'before'. The last event that last year I thought about "this time next year" and envisaged a very different time. I think this celebration is even more subdued than what I imagined, and definitely more subdued than last year, when my husband was at work and I was at home, with one alcoholic and one non-alcoholic mulled wine on the stove.
Two or three weeks ago I hit rock bottom. [Shortly after that IVF/PGD/Geneticist appointment.] I didn't want to be here, but thankfully I didn't want to not be here that much that I would have acted on it either. I pictured a Christmas in tears, a New Years in tears, and a feeling of hopelessness. While I am not "looking forward" to 2018 per se, because of the challenges and decisions that I face, I no longer have that feeling. It's not quite a hopeful feeling, but I'd like to think I might make it there in the next few months. I suppose I'm currently hoping for hope.
I don't tend to make resolutions, I haven't for years. I don't think the new year is a good time to try any big changes in my life. I like to think that a change can be made at any time through the year.
Every month in 2017 felt like the previous month. I really did lose a month. The build up to Christmas did not feel like Christmas and crept up on me in a massive way. I suppose in part because we were doing a kitchen refurb (great idea - keep the mind off things! Ha!) and couldn't put the tree up till Christmas Eve. We did carry on with a family tradition with my best friend's family round, and Christmas appeared out of nowhere!
Then Christmas Day, the husband was working, so I got up, had a lovely bath, then sat on my bum watching films. I went back to work on 27 December, and it somehow felt like 2018 already. I got my month back over the course of two bank holidays. I really needed that time.
I called my GP surgery on 13 December to make an appointment because I needed some help, I told my boss [at the time] that I had made an appointment with my GP to discuss my mental health. He wasn't surprised, and asked if there was anything they could do. I think it might have been a switch, I admitted I needed help to a few people, and that was enough, the tears on the drive home from work stopped flowing. By the time I went to see my GP on 22 December, we agreed that asI had a rare 4 days off in a row it might be enough, and I would get a phone call on the day I went back to work, to see if I wanted or needed signed off. I mostly think that I put off even going to the GP because I didn't want work to know any details, given I started in August, and I don't know if I would have taken the time had I been in my old job, although I probably would have broken a lot sooner if I had stayed. I'm glad I told my GP, but I am very glad I didn't need to take things further than that.
It's nice to read that now, over a year later, to see how far 2018 took me. The changes I have seen in my life. I was right when I thought a few more months would give me renewed hope, however the way I was treated at work after that smashed that hope down a little, but it was easier to pick it back up again, because I was able to evaluate what was important, and that was not.
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